I hate these nights when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. My mind is full of thoughts that eat me up alive. Maybe I'll just make myself busy now to occupy the time and take a nap at 10 AM to make up for my lack of sleep. As much as I like early mornings, spending them with lonely thoughts makes it hard to enjoy.
So.. what can one do at 4:30 in the morning? Play games... Ok.
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Got caught up in a heavy rainstorm just as I stepped out of class. I ran underneath the shade of a building, hoping the rain would subside a bit.
Sinatra's "Lonesome Cities" started to play on my mp3 player, and I smirked at how fitting it felt. It was yet another night in the big apple.
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Dear Journal,
With all the things happening in my life, I sometimes forget my need to think and talk about things. I suppose it's because I already know the answers to the questions, and it feels like there's nothing left that I can really listen to or say. I see what's laid out in front of me, and at a certain point, words just don't do anything. It's frightening.
For the past month, I've been visiting my grandmother every day, or at least when I can. I spend time holding her hand and calling out to her, hoping she can find comfort in my presence. It's hard to tell if she knows I'm even there. At the moment, it's almost impossible to communicate with her. Her voice is gone, her hearing is unresponsive, and the medications she is on causes her to sleep all the time.
I can understand my mother's sleepless nights lying awake as she thinks about my grandmother. I want to comfort her and tell her that things will be ok, but I don't want to lie. I know the reality in front of me, and I know my mother does too. For now, all we can do is to show my grandmother that we love her. We don't know how much time she has left. At any moment, she could go... and each passing day feels heavier and heavier.
So I'll close off here. I'm extremely glad for the support of friends in these tough days. I know I probably don't deserve them, but I'm happy for the people in my life, both online and off.
I hope my grandmother knows I love her.
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More things happened this week. My aunt here in NYC was admitted to the hospital because of a certain acute pain on her leg that she was feeling. This is partly due to her spinal stenosis condition, and she made plans to have surgery this friday to correct the problem. However, because the pain she was feeling worsened to an extreme degree, she was admitted to the hospital earlier then planned. Because of this, I'm going back and forth from the hospital. The problem is that the hospital is in Brooklyn, and traveling back and forth from Staten Island is no easy task. The surgery is just minor, but my aunt will still have a hard time moving about once the operation is over, so I'll be in charge of a lot of things for the time being.
This morning I visited my aunt at the hospital, and she still seemed to be in pain. I brought her some macarons, and that seemed to cheer her up. I hope the surgery clears away her pain.
After the visit, I decided to head over to Brooklyn's Botanical Garden where they have a row of Japanese cherry blossoms planted. Because of the early spring weather, the peak bloom came faster this year, so the blossom already have some green leaves on their branches.
Right now I'm sitting underneath the shade of one those trees, staring up into a big cloud of pink blossoms. It's such a simple sort of peace in comparison to to the worry I've been feeling for the past few weeks.
I feel the wind brush against my cheeks, and listen as it rustles the leaves above me. Some of the pink petals fall loose, settling down on top of me for a bit before I decide to brush them away.
If I fall asleep now, I wonder what kinds of dreams I would have.
Right now, under these leaves, I feel like everything will be ok.
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I'm back at my old school, sitting under the shade of a tree, feeling the warm breeze on my skin. I forgot how chill and peaceful it is here.
My family was insisting that I turn in my transcript request form in person rather than mail it in. I tried to tell them that it didn't matter if I mailed the form in instead, but they're too impatient about things. Now I spent an hour driving out here so I could spend three minutes turning in a paper that I could have just mailed. Sigh. My family is hell bent in seeing me continue my education to the point where I don't even have space to breath... Honestly...
It's nice being out here again. It feels weird though. This was once my second home but now it feels like I don't belong here anymore. Not much has changed... I wonder.. Have I changed since I left here?
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Nice to be back home in Los Angeles. It's heartwarming and comfortable.
The only thing is that every time I come back, I'm able to see the passage of time like I couldn't before. I see Los Angeles every several months apart, so the little changes that gradually happen for everyone else happen instantly for me.
I wish time stopped for me whenever I'm in NY. I miss so many things here in LA, and I'm not around to experience them as they change. I used to think that nothing changed around here, but I was wrong. All I needed was a different perspective to remind me that time and life don't wait for anyone.
I wonder if I've changed as well. It's hard to say. I wish I knew if the direction I'm going in is a good direction for growth... or if I'm just making myself run around in circles. I guess time will tell, right?
Anyway, Merry Christmas to everyone out there. =)
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Hmm. I'm going to arrive back in NY on the 31st, so I can actually make it to the Times Square New Year event if I tried. Problem is that I don't know if I should go or not. I'd like to go, but going back home after the event will kill me. The subways will be packed and they'll be running on the slow weekend schedule. After that, I would have to wait for the ferry, then wait for the SIR train, and then walk home in the dark. I could always ask my aunt to pick me up from the train station, but it would be around... 3 AM by the time I get there, and she has to work that morning.
I'd probably also be tired from my flight because I can never fall asleep on planes. 6 hours sitting down in a cramped area between two people is not my idea of a good resting spot. Also, staying up till midnight after coming back with jet lag might be tough.
I'd love to go to the event though, just for the experience of it all. Most likely I'll be surrounded by couples though, and at midnight everyone is going to kiss. And then I would think... "I wish you were here with me," and then I would realize that I'm not the person she wants to be with. X_x Okay, stop me. I need to stop thinking about her.
Hmm, I guess I'll decide when the time comes if I should go to Times Square or not. Tomorrow I have to wake up early for my flight, and it's 2:30 AM now Why is it that I can never sleep well before my trips?
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When I looked up, I saw the half-finished tower rising above, the blue sky reflected back like an infinite dream.
Why do I search these reflections for what was once there? It was 10 years ago... a whole different world.. a whole different me.
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Going to a wedding this weekend. I'm not really up for it, but my aunt wants to drag me along as usual. I don't even know the family or couple that's getting married. I think the couple is around my age, and it makes me a little queasy thinking about it. Isn't this around the age I'm supposed to get married? Once upon a time, I wanted to get married as well... but things have changed. That in itself doesn't mean much, does it? I know I'm only one of many in the world right now that's thinking.. "Why isn't life turning out the way I expected it to be?" My story isn't very different from anyone else.
しょうがない as they say. The past is done, and there's nothing we can do about it. The best we can do is turn our eyes to the future and keep going. At the moment though, the future is still so frustratingly dark and unstable. It seems like some kind of dream imagining myself being married now... and yet this weekend, I'll be seeing two people like me doing just that.
I remember in high school, my friend made a timeline of what he wanted to accomplish as he grew up. He seemed so determined to follow them through back then, and I can't help but laugh bitterly now to see how much of that has come to fruition. How much of the future can we really predict from our standpoint in life now? A lot of times it seems hopelessly... hopeless. But no, that's pessimistic of me to think like that. It's just at this moment... or rather, as I've been for a long time now.. I'm scared. There are no comforting hands to guide me and tell me that I'll be okay. Even if someone did say that to me, I would look suspiciously back at them, recognizing how uncertain the future still is.
My aunt back in LA is going to lose her house soon. They're getting ready to move, just as I did two years ago. I spent a lot of days with my family there, and it's painful to see it lost. There's a feeling of helplessness that comes as my family is swept away by the times. Rising economic prices and housing rates take their toll again. The news reports lie, don't they? "The economy is getting better." 本当に? Is that really true? How can I believe that? Who can I believe in?
Not getting married or not finding love are perhaps the least of my worries, even though they're things aimed at my heart. I question whether those are the things I really want and need in life now. I suppose troubles and concerns in general will always be present though. It's a part of me being human and being alive, but at least it's not the only thing that comes with that. At the moment, I can take comfort in the lasting power of friendship and family. And I swear, I won't give up. I'll keep holding on to my dream of a better future, and maybe with that dream, I'll find the courage to keep fighting for it.
Sounds kinda optimistic, doesn't it?
I think I'm really just looking for a reason to keep going.
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Today isn't any better for me. I can barely talk since my throat is extremely congested, leaving me to squeak out like a chipmunk while trying to formulate my words. I can't even get up from bed without feeling like I'm going to fall back down. I stayed in bed for most of the day, and I dreamed about weird things.
That strange delirious fit I had last night is continuing today. I wonder if this is what it's like when you're turning into a zombie. You hallucinate things as your body slowly breaks down until all that's left is a fixation on the hunger for human flesh. Fun thought there, but thank goodness my sickness doesn't carry me that far. I just have some weird cold, not an apocalyptic contagion.
Being sick makes me want someone to care of me. I can usually take care of things for myself, but now my body feels helpless. I don't want anyone to baby me.. but I guess I just want someone who cares enough to be there to make me a warm bowl of soup when I need it. I'm laughing off the thought now, but it makes me wonder about when I'm older and my family is gone... where could I turn to at that time? Is it too much to expect friends to take care of me during my times of need? They'll have their own lives to deal with without having to take care of me too. At that point, will I have someone who loves me enough to stick by me?
Funny. It's scarier to confront these thoughts about being alone instead of the ones about turning into a zombie. Zombies can be scary, but it's nothing compared to facing a probable future of being alone. I'm sure that future is still far away, but my sickness right now feels like a strange prophecy of things to come.
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Feeling extremely sick tonight. I went to bed at around 7 only to wake up 3 hours later.... My body feels disoriented and tired, and I can't seem to fall asleep again.
Today was a fun day though. I went to a pet show, I walked around browsing shops in Manhattan, and I went to a library exhibit featuring various literary and historical icons through the centuries. I think I exposed myself to the cold air more than I should have though, and ended up inflaming my sickness to a larger degree. My body is now exhausted, disoriented, and aching when yesterday I hardly noticed anything at all.
I'm sitting on my bed, feeling slightly delirious. I'm hallucinating strange figures and sounds. It doesn't feel like I'm alone, like there are things watching me.... and waiting for the right moment to cling themselves on to my body. The dim lighting and shadows in my room are menacing, as if they're hiding demons somewhere within their presence. My weakened body, against my will, is calling out to those demons, inviting them into my soul so I can be ravaged and torn apart. Ahaha, this is such a creepy feeling!
I really hate being sick though. Most likely I'll end up sleeping all day tomorrow, leaving me open for another sleepless night to battle demons and other sinister creatures. But no, in the end, what I'm really battling is my own weary mind.
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It's sorta funny. It took me several months and a trip to Los Angeles to make me realize how much I miss hearing your voice.
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Amazing how the days go by. I lose track of time. December turns to January and that turns into February.
When will I be able to trust people again?
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timeasmymeasure
